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- maybe we started to rely on microsoft and sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things, this! we can just play with this! screw video games, dude. who [bleep] needs them? all: yeah! - [bleep] 'em! - the south park video game, coming to stores soon. - yeah, and if you believe that, i got a big, floppy wiener to dangle in your face. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york city this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you tonight. seth macfarlane -- seth macfarlane will be joining us. i'll be inducting seth macfarlane into my support group
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for former oscar hosts. but first -- [laughter] you know june there -- i think it's june, supposed to be a meeting of the so called g-8 to get together of the world's most prolive lick let's call them democracies. turns out we might not need that extra dhair. >> russia has issued an ultimatum to the ukrainian military in crimea to leave their post torque get out, to turn over their bass business 5:00 a.m. tomorrow or else the bases will be stormed by russian forces. >> jon: that is blaitant naked aggression or at the very least disturbingly shirtless aggression, yeah. [laughter] but with this aggression it looks like putin has gone heil tit-ler. [ laughter ] which makes you wonder if
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vladmir putin he was even paying attention at the olympics, remember, vlad, the brotherhood and spirit of cooperation or did you consider the parade of nations a browsing opportunity? i like that uniform i'd invade them. need it, need it, want it. puty is this because you have more golds than anybody else? you realize olympic wins are not internationally binding, right? unless norway was three gold medals away from embarking on a pickled herring quest for world dom in addition. did you learn nothing? did you learn nothing from the innocent tears of your own crying bear? [laughter] wait a minute, zoom in on that bear's tear -- it's a russian platoon! no! [cheers and applause] putin! the old -- it's the old bizarre
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animatronic trojan bear gag. it began when ukraine's russian leading president yanukovych. a new ukrainian president came in and russia has invaded crimea. russia would contest two of those points i made tnch in a russian city across the border vic cuc thu tran insist -- viktor yanukovych insisted did he not flee. >> jon: right. you didn't flee you just remembered in the middle of the night that you forgot to turn the oven off in russia. [ laughter ] and the second point of contention involves this whole russian military in crimea thing.
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>> here say quote "such reports are utter rubbish." we've gotten used to claims that we're conducting military operations against our neighbor. >> jon: can't a neighbor throwed an armed surprise party for a small part of ukraine that historically belonged to us without everything thinks? the russian troops are not on the ground in crimea. >> the russian government has not officially recognized the fact that these are russian solders. >> unmarked no insignia on the ground in crimea. >> they wouldn't tell us who they are, what they are working for, they won't spoke us to at all. they won't say anything about anything. >> jon: they speak russia and look russian and -- they are eating russian dressing on their salads and when asked russian says what reports confirm that they say what. [ laughter ] in russian.
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could be anybody. to make a long story what it looks like they are invading crimea or planning an historical reenactment of the russian invasion of crimea. it's a land grab by one of premiere geopolitical competitors or to put it another way. >> putin acts, obama warns. >> president obama needs to do something. >> putin is playing chess and we're ming marbles. >> this is the ultimate result of effectless foreign policy where nobody believes in america's strength anymore. >> jon: [talking gibberish] let's go to war! war! bah! it's been 48 hours do something. [laughter] the point is russia (bleep).
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and america should intervene now! of course both sides have a couple of complicating precedents to deal with. watch secretary kerry explain why russia is wrong. >> you just don't invade another country on phony pretexts in order to assert your interests. >> jon: anymore. [ laughter ] anymore. [ laughter ] it's a terrible idea. [cheers and applause] trust me that is so 2003. i mean i voted for it even though i was against it at the time. what happened, i ran for president and ended up being photographed dressed like a sperm. i was windsurfing back and forth with -- i should go. putin is not clean on this one either. here is putin on the possibility that the united states might
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intervene in syria six months ago. this morning putin is criticizes foreign policy in an op-ed in "the new york times". >> it's alarming that military intervention in foreign conflicts in foreign countries has become commonplace for the united states. >> jon: well, i think vladmir putin is going to feel pretty stupid when he watches this show tonight. [ laughter ] and he sees that he has been caught in the classic "the daily show" gotcha moment. yeah, probably pretty hard to keep invading a country when you've been unmasked as a hypocrite. ukraine, you are welcome. [ laughter ] for more on sortie we're joined by our new senior caucasian correspondent jordan klepper. jordan welcome to the show. first of all we're excited to have you. you are in crimea, obviously you
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have studied this region for years. [laughter] >> yes, that is 100% true. okay, as you know, the crimean peninsula is ethnically russian. it's important to remember a peninsula is a land mass surrounded by three sides by water unlike an island. the crimean peninsula is department on russia for most of their natural resources. >> jon: actually their dependent on the ukraine. >> right, right. stupid. i'm sorry. i don't know why i said that. i'm in the going to fail you, dad -- jon. >> jon: it's all right jordan. it's fine. relax. how are are the people feeling? >> scared, jon, real scared, a little sweaty. [laughter] >> jon: because they have ties to both the ukraine and russia? >> ah, sure. i mean, if you asked hem a week ago would you like to be a part of russia they would have been
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like yes, russia is my favorite. i would love to join russia. i watch russia every night. but now they don't know what they've gotten themselves into it. and they think maybe i'm a little bit over my head. >> jon: you are doing fine. stay focused. what have you learned so far today? >> you have to dial 9 to get an outside line. [ laughter ] lunch is at 1:00. [ laughter ] and if i keep my head down here for a couple years i have a real shot at my own sitcom on nbc. [cheers and applause] >> you were talking about crimea, snriet. >> jon: yeah. >> i'm blowing it! >> jon: no, you are not. serving fine. you are crimea it's daybreak there. >> actually it's 6:15 at night but we're pretending it's 11:15 which is crimea is 6:15 in the morning where i'm supposed to
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be -- dad, i am so sorry. >> jon: you are doing great. [ laughter ] you are not -- there's almost nothing you can do to mess up one of these reports. trust me. >> thank you. that's -- [laughter] [cheers and applause] of the. >> this is kind of a big deal for me, jon. you know, it means a lot to me. my parents are watching at home, you know? stay clean and sober, jordan and that record will get expunged. keep to it, work hard. [laughter] >> jon: do you think you could go back to crimea or -- >> you got it, bought. [ laughter ] -- you got it, boss. [ laughter ] live from crimea --
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[ laughter ] live from crimea -- >> jon: jordan making moves that would put an adult in an emergency room. yet all they really want to do is grow up. it's funny, everyone i know wishes they could go back and feel younger. sound familiar? then test drive one of these. current non-gm owners and lessees use your $1,500 allowance to lease the 2014 cadillac ats for around $359 a month with nothing due at signing. transferred money from his before larry instantly bank of america savings
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let's get a sound guy and some roadies. [ male announcer ] but the more people you add, the lower the rate. how 'bout sketchy jeff? he gets billed separately, right? [ male announcer ] get up to 10 separate bills and everyone gets unlimited talk, text and one gig of data for as low as $25 a month each. cool. one more. we need more beard. ♪ that'll do. [ male announcer ] the framily plan from sprint. with a new price, new plan, and an all new network. visit a sprint store today. it's almost too late. or is it? introducing new, fast acting advil. with an ultra-thin coating and fast absorbing advil ion core™ technology, nothing works faster to stop pain in its tracks. new fast acting advil. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. , as you know, the -- what do you call there, the cnn news network. they've been struggling a little bit of late to find their voice. they -- sorry. they canceled their international show.
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they moved ashleigh banfield from 11:00 to 12:00. they sent two reporters to the same parking lot for no (bleep) reason. they expanded the definition of news by giving mr. science style demos. they added a second wolf blitzer show. they added a fourth hour of situation room with kathie lee and hoada and they made everyone else to go outside to report breaking news while the people inside walked to a sponsored couch. none of it -- none of it is working. but i think they've cracked it -- but accident obviously. it happened last wednesday when the new 11:00 a.m. host tried to move on from the interview from donald king but donald king was not ready to be moved on from. >> the final thought is cable outrage. it will make your hair hurt, even don king's hair. >> really, specifically when you are with john don you have
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everything going for you. >> this caught our attention. this listen to what he has to say because he says what he means and he means what he says. >> this story -- [laughter] >> jon: i've never said this before but i was unable to change the channel from cnn. these news people are doing their best to do an incredibly stupid segment on beer transplants neither real nor interesting but now because of don king i have to watch it because he's making it real and interesting. more, i say, give me more of the king. >> it's wonderful. electrifying. >> let's call them beer jobs if you will. the story says they come from your head and put on your face ax apparently the most prominent requests are brad pitt. >> you need a raise because you guys are startling. you've taken the people by storm. >> that is it for us today. >> you can't beat it with an egg
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beater. cnn today. >> jon: the show is completely falling apart and it's the best thing on their entire network. cnn you have found your voice and it's don king's voice talking over all your other voices. this is what cnn needs, live streaming don king, color commentary over all your other program. let's see some situation room and king me! >> look at the wolf man go. you can't stop that talent. michele bachmann that's the situation. no holds bars and no bars held. float like a blilter staing like a wolf. >> jon: what about something in primetime, perhaps. >> he is young, smart, turns news into art. ac360, 390, 450, 5,000. >> jon: it doesn't make any sense but it always works. give me some tapper.
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>> what was the last time. >> the time with the tap man, he eats, he drinks, he eats some more! ♪ [laughter] >> jon: the point is: there are no bad ideas except the one's cnn has already had. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] brewed for more this ispirited nights.tune. it's undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish. you might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. miller fortune. your fortune awaits.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back my guest tonight creator of fox's family guy. the executive producer of cosmo series and a novelist. his new book is called a million ways to die in the west. please welcome back to the program seth macfarlane. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. [cheers and applause] >> jon: how are you? >> very good. how are you? >> jon: i'm doing -- thank you so much for having me back. >> jon: delighted to have you back. you hosted the oscars. i've hosted the oscars. >> yeah. you've done it twice. >> jon: i did because they
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thought geez like in golf, boy that first shot sucked do you want to hit again? did you feel it last night? did you get a twing? >> no, no i was pretty close to the mini bar. so the twinge may have been the wrong kind. >> jon: it's the worst job. >> hosting the oscars. >> jon: that is right. >> there's no way to win it's like the kobayashi -- >> jon: i don't know what you just said. >> anybody know what the kobayashi maru is. >> jon: oh, yeah, the kobayashi maru. >> it's the no win scenario in star trek. >> jon: holy (bleep). [laughter] >> i lost my virginity like two days ago. [ laughter ] >> jon: sometimes you have to wait for the right moment. >> it has to be the right person at the right time.
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>> jon: this is a million ways to die in the west. this is the new book. it is as it says on the cover based on the screenplay. >> yeah. which is kind of cheating, isn't it? that's not really a novel at all. >> jon: it's a novel. are you worried that fans of screenplay won't think this is -- >> won't think it measures up. >> jon: a faithful enough adaptation? >> in the age of internet, yeah. i would hope we can do justice. i would hate to get a call from myself saying, who do you think you are? >> jon: when do you have time for this? >> you have a lot of free time when you are shooting a western in the desert. there's really nothing to do. >> jon: you were directing it and you were the star of it. >> yeah, but you still get weekends off. and you are in santa fe and there's nothing to do with but meth and you try that. i tried it once i said this is not for me. i'm not that guy. [ laughter ] i'll write a novel.
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it was an experiment to see if i could do it. in the 80s, did all these novelizations of summer movies. i remember reading back to the future the novel. i swear to god. >> jon: i remember the kobayashi maru was -- >> sure, sure. >> jon: i made that up. how do you change up -- you have a screenplay. i've seen a trailer for that this is hilarious, the movie. how do you change things when you novelize a screenplay that has been filmed? >> we hope it's afunny as ted. we think it's as funny as ted. >> jon: pretty funny. >> it's a different animal. sortie at its core say classic western story. i'm a big louie lamour fan. i thought, well, good let's see if this thing can have legs in prose form if we've written a true western story.
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my twitter since i made the announcement has been full of people tweeting, how is that novel coming my friend [in an english accent]? [laughter] you got a good josh i should have and fis pated. do you have a good protag inconsistent, beginning, middle and end. (bleep). >> jon: i have to get that voice modulator on a twitter account. >> the type face gets very small. >> jon: how long have you done the twitter account? >> oh, god. seems like 100 years. do you do twitter? >> jon: i have not. >> you have a twitter. >> jon: i'm waiting to see how it works out. will it catch on? >> i don't know anyone who has twitter who is not sick to death of twitter. >> jon: it seems like something always over your head. >> we all want it to go ahead. you see people -- digified actors and actresses getting into twitter arguments with people.
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you look like a jackas so easily on twitter. >> jon: you would imagine it's always pressure. one of the nice things about when we're not taping show the is that i don't have to think of anything interesting. if you have a twitter account it's a constant group of people sitting like this. >> you are smarter than the rest of us at the beginning it's like write a joke a day. that's fun and then you are like (bleep) write a joke a day and for free. >> jon: do they yell at you? >> you get responses like not your be. this is free, you bastard. you are not paying for this. >> jon: can you imagine someone coming, not paying money and still frowning? >> i cannot imagine. [cheers and applause] we're all lucky to be here in this room, right. this is free. >> jon: let's not do anything. just a couple of seconds.
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see how long it takes for them to just sit and suddenly cross their arms and go. [cheers and applause] na. they are freaking out. the whole thing is freaking out. when is the movie coming out. >> may 30th. >> jon: there's this get this and this has special new things. >> it's got what the characters are thinking and whatnot. [ laughter ] >> jon: it's like a movie in your hands. >> right. it's a movie made out of a tree. [ laughter ] >> jon: exactly. [ laughter ] it's on the bookshelves now. i'm looking forward to this cosmos thing. cosmos premiered on fox sunday march 9, the great neil degrass tyson is hosting that. i'm very excited about that. tyson is hosting that. i'm very excited about that. seth macfarlane, everybo
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cause. >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> he only had one summer the phillies. there's goes a couple of plows demonstrating what i -- ready to go. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh (cheers and applause)

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Comedy Central March 3, 2014 11:00pm-11:32pm PST

Actor and writer Seth MacFarlane.

TOPIC FREQUENCY Crimea 14, Russia 13, Seth Macfarlane 5, Ukraine 5, Cnn 3, Bank Of America 2, Jon Stewart 2, Jon 2, Kobayashi Maru 2, Merrill Edge 2, At&t 2, Ted 2, United States 2, Donald King 2, Advil 2, Don King 2, America 2, Jordan 2, Larry 2, Dude 1
Network Comedy Central
Duration 00:32:00
Scanned in San Francisco, CA, USA
Source Comcast Cable
Tuner Channel v745
Video Codec mpeg2video
Audio Cocec ac3
Pixel width 1920
Pixel height 1080
Sponsor Internet Archive
Audio/Visual sound, color

disc Borrow a DVD of this show
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on 3/4/2014